*shoutout to all the ladies out there hating their body but trying really really hard to find beauty in themselves. It takes a lot of time and energy and it’s mentally exhausting. I’m with you sister.
Each morning I wake up with the same thought – “Do I want to eat today or do I want to feel skinny?”. I refuse the offerings from my family as they cook their eggs and pour their cereal. I sip my coffee and think “if I eat I’m instantly going to feel fat”. It’s about a two hour struggle with fear + lies about my body before I realize that I’m starving. So, I fix myself some breakfast and eat.
And immediately after I feel like a failure. I feel unworthy of my husband’s love. I feel like a horrible example for my daughter. And I feel weak.
THAT is how ugly my thoughts are – how negative my body image is. Who thinks like that? I’m embarrassed to even admit it. But maybe I’m not alone.
I’ve struggled with weight my entire life. In high school I tipped the scale at 200 and in college I dipped down to 115. Both done in the most unhealthy of ways – and I was never happy. No matter what I did I never felt good enough. I never felt worthy of love. I never felt content with who I was.
And that type of thinking led me to do stupid things.
High school was hard for me. Mainly, because I was stuck in an ugly game with Satan. He took all the joy from my life and replaced it with fear, anxiety, and depression. So, I would turn to my good ole pal FOOD. Hi I’m Faith and I’m an emotional eater and a lover of ranch dressing. Anyone else? Such a bad combo. I was on the fast track to landing a slot on My 600 lb Life. I can joke about it now, but it still hurts. I still see myself as that self conscious girl who so desperately wanted to be accept by her peers.
What I didn’t realize then, is that Jesus had already accepted me as beautifully and wonderfully made. Jesus doesn’t care about what the outside of you looks like. He cares about your heart. Man, I wish I had seen that.
Going into college it was the same, only I had lost a good 50+ pounds. I was still seeking acceptance in a worldly way and I would do anything to not feel like my high school self. My overall goal back then was to feel skinny + confident; not eating/alcohol was my answer. I would not eat, then go out with my “friends” and binge drink to feel confident about myself – which always ended up with me not remembering anything and putting my body at risk. Sure, I had a great group of “friends”, I was funny and talkative when I drank and I felt kinda cute, But I was so unhappy with myself. Miserable in fact.
There was one point in my life, and my husband will attest to this, that I would only eat one meal a day and even after that meal, which was usually a ridiculously small portion, I would consume enough laxatives to make me feel empty again.
I was empty.
I should have been happy, right? I mean, I was finally a size 2! But I still saw myself as unworthy. I still saw myself as ugly. I still saw myself as less than. I still hated the body that Jesus created for me.
These lies that I was believing about myself didn’t help when I became pregnant either, but I’ll save that for part 2.
Why do we do this? Why do we believe these horrific lies about ourselves? I hope I’m not alone in this.
My sweet husband – he does and says everything he can to try and help me understand how beautiful I am, but most days I just look at him and roll my eyes. There’s no possible way he could think THIS glorious mess was beautiful, right?! Wrong.
Ladies, we HAVE to stop giving into the lies of the enemy saying that we aren’t good enough because we aren’t a size 00. We have to stop believe the media when they show a Kardashian and her 3 week postpartum body. ITS NOT REAL. We have to stop comparing ourselves. We have to stop chasing perfection and start becoming content with our bodies.
My thighs touch. GASP. They even rub together when I walk. And guess what, JESUS STILL LOVES ME.
My stomach rolls over my pants when I sit down. And guess what, IM STILL BEAUTIFUL.
Friend, here me when I say this – you are not too fat or too skinny. You are not too old or too wrinkly. You’re nose isn’t too big and your boobs aren’t too small. You are not ugly or stupid. You are not defined by the jiggle in your thighs when you walk. You are not defined by the size of your forehead. You are not defined by your nonexistent thigh gap. You are not defined by your outwardly looks.
Your beauty does not have a weight limit.
You’re body was specifically designed FOR YOU by our glorious and righteous Heavenly Father. He took his time to create each and every single hair on your body. EVERY SINGLE ONE. He made your body strong – to carry you through life. He made your body worthy. He designed you to be perfectly imperfect. Rest in that.
I want you to join me – let’s try our VERY best to embrace our glorious messy bodies because we are beautifully and wonderfully made.